My holiday chronicles begin now. Follow along at your own risk. I will be in the presence of my parents for 10 days. We all know how that played out this past summer!

December 18, 2013 near SeaTac, WA 

There was no groping airport pat-down. Like the Grinch awaiting the wailing cries of the Whoville-ians, I braced myself for "female assist!" Nothing. It's a Christmas miracle.

December 18, 2013 near Kansas City, MO 

(driving home in Dad’s car)
Yep. It has begun. The look of incredulous amazement already graces my face. Do any of you know what a "shit-grinder" is?  

Yeah, I didn't think so. I'll never survive 10 days of this.

December 18, 2013 near Kansas City, MO 

Dad: (with the enthusiasm of a toddler) "Née Née, I'm taking you to Dixon's Chili for dinner. They have all-you-can-eat tacos and saltines."

Me: "I'm going to have diarrhea just thinking about that."

Dad: "That's okay Née, it's not very far from the house."

Me: "Who are you, and why isn’t my mother here to bring order to the universe?!"

December 18, 2013 

I've always wanted to leave this planet having been famous for something. It looks as though my claim to fame may be that of the first documented human to have died of an overdose of bemusement. You can blame my father. I'm considering starting a blog entitled "Pages of Paternal Puzzlement: The Scribbles of A Bewildered Eldest Daughter."

December 19, 2013

After a fervid debate between Dad and me about the Catholic magisterium, I've decided I am indeed my father in many ways. (Gulp.) I can attest that it's a real bitch arguing with oneself. But if I ever begin uttering the likes of "shit grinder" or "it's all because of the damned geriatrics," just shoot me between the eyes.

December 18, 2013  

I'm out to brunch with the crazies. My mother just ordered a vegetarian omelette with sausage and cheese. My dad is discussing with my aunt his MRI for his "rotor cup" tear. The waitress delivered a straggler plate of bacon and proceeded to stop, place her traveling coffee urn on our table, make the sign-of-the-cross and say grace with us. Where in the hell am I?

December 18, 2013 near Kansas City, MO

At what age do parents halt the volunteering, guilting and coercion of their adult children? It used to be when I was a teenager I'd come home from basketball practice and be informed that Mom had volunteered me to babysit kids I didn't even know. These days (today), I just get a text informing me that I'm singing in the Christmas Eve choir and that she'll get back with me about music practice times. Oh, and I’m singing a solo.

I must have some serious karmic debt I'm paying from a previous life.

December 18, 2013 near Kansas City, MO 

Choir practice (definitely not something I say everyday). Where are my 70+ relatives? was told this was a Rellihan choir.

December 19, 2013 near Kansas City, MO

(((((Oh. My. God.))))) Seriously! Who are these people?! Dad just walked nonchalantly in the front door with a life-sized statue of Jesus. I've spent the last five minutes trying to compose myself to type.

Mom: "Gene, what in the hell?!"
Dad: "It's a long story," as he walks down the hall dragging Jesus.

If I die in my sleep tonight, you'll know God answers prayers.

December 18, 2013 near Kansas City, MO 

Mom just shared with me that upon waking later than her every morning, Dad scares the hell out of her as he exits the bedroom and enters the living room to join her, at which point my mom screams in surprise. (Anyone who knows Joyce knows it doesn't take much to elicit her Hollywood girl-scream). To alert Mom to his presence, Dad thought it would be a good idea to tap on the wall as he made his way down the hallway. This apparently also scares the hell out of Mom. Today, he decided he would walk down the hallway growling to announce his entrance... because, you know, that's way less terrifying.

December 24, 2013

An insanity reprieve with my home girls, Gina and Cindy.   —with Gina Rogers Boucher and Jenée Arthur at Westport Cafe & Bar.

Cindy, me and Gina enjoying some quality friend time together, offering me a reprieve from the two crazy people who brought me into the world. Truth be told, both of these women adore the two people I call parents. Truthfully, so do I.

December 25, 2013

Me: "Dad, I think the guest bed might need a new mattress soon."
Dad: "Oh, nah. It's okay, Née. You're the only one who sleeps in it." (daughter throws incredulous look Dad's way)
Dad: "Remember how many years it took for your mom and I to get a new mattress? Every one of you kids was conceived on that old mattress."
Me: "Yea, TMI, oh Sentimental One. I think I can go without hearing that story again this lifetime."

December 26, 2013 

Good morning, fellow Facebookers! Santa and baby Jesus take backseats to discussions of bicipital tinnitus and the benefits of acupuncture. Life is good. Oh, and this meat pie I'm about to stuff in my pie hole takes this perfect morning right over the edge.

December 26, 2013

 Hail, hail. The gang's all here. (Eleanor is also here, but she doesn't want me to tell anyone)!

Heidela, me, Robbie, Pete and Eleanor– all native Kansas City kids who didn’t meet until we were all living in Austin, Texas. We are home for the holidays; them to celebrate Hanukkah, and me to celebrate Christmas.

December 26, 2013 

Remember during our summer adventure when Mom wouldn't allow me to plug my iPhone into the rental car stereo because she thought the car would blow up? Well, here’s a discussion that just transpired as Mom encouraged Dad to view his MRI results on the stereo CD player. It’s fairly reminiscent.
Dad: (emphatically) "Joycie, you can't view anything on a CD player!"
Mom: (In her "Why's the carpet all wet, Todd?" sort of way) "Well, why not? The instructions call this a CD, why can't you play it in a CD player?"
Dad: (pointing to the stereo) "Show me on this CD player where I'll be seeing the images on this disc!"
Mom: "Oh!" (shrieking Hollywood girl scream, then laughter ensues)

Yeah, my plane leaves at 4:45PM tomorrow. I think I'll try to fly standby on an earlier flight.

December 27, 2013

The non-vegan uprising in the plant-based restaurant. Our family brunch before I depart, complete with a stack of meat pies lying on the table to stowaway in my carry-on bag (the vegans would die, as they consist of lamb, beef and pork), and commentary like Jason's, "Well, we might be here awhile. The chef has to convince a coconut to become of piece of fake bacon."  I love this crazy-ass family.

December 27, 2013- MCI > SEA

My checked bag was 52 lbs. and the woman let it slide because she said my purse and my eyes are beautiful. Thanks nameless Austin leather artisan for my purse, and thanks Mom and Dad for giving your kids good eyeballs– but for god's sake, please stop reminding us of how we were all conceived on the same damn mattress.  

Scottie, beam me up!